BY ERNEST TUAPE
(Craft It’s new foreign correspondent in Kampala)
#1. Walk along Nile Avenue
Nile Avenue, with its length of urban swag sniffing at the heart of Kampala, girth extended by the City Authority’s works department, a miracle bloom of senescent trees lining up its green at the centre to salute pedestrians, is a humble road by day.
When the sun goes to bed and slips into its world of slumber, leaving the moon and stars to take their position in the sky, it becomes a whore-zone, parlous for the meek. It gets littered with hungry creatures winking at you in the dark.
Just go see it for yourself.
#2. Take a selfie with Gomgom
Gomgom is king in the Kingdom of Makerere. He’s a dark statue that stands at over six-feet with an abnormal phallus dressed in a condom. It makes people laugh and hide at the same time.
Do not pass by this man with your kids. I walked past Gomgom with my six-year-old cousin last year and he asked me, “Is that a condom on that thing?” I didn’t answer. Of course. He will find out when he grows up.
You can take a selfie with him but it‘ll make no difference in your life.
#3. Salute the Marabou storks
When you look up into the Kampala sky on a lazy Friday evening, you will see a rare species of birds flying with their lanky legs and zealous wings, flapping. These birds, marabou storks, compete with the humans of Kampala for space.
If I had my way, I would exterminate them but that would be against nature. They nest along City Square road next to CPS, ready to drop it like it’s hot on anyone passing under those trees.
I’m still stinking of their grey shit from last evening. I need to soak my head.
#4. That so-called Mini Park on Bombo Road
It has no official name. Atleast not yet. Let’s call it a landmark that stands smiling at you between Watoto Church and Nalubega complex, right in the middle of Bombo Road.
Why people call it a park is something a sane human cannot understand. Granted, it has flowers and wooden seats with round dints for your ass. A fountain in one corner shoots out water around the circular advertising screen.
Sit there only if you are friends with noise.
Oh, and yeah, it is a really good place to nurse a heartbreak.
#5. Jump off a taxi in traffic jam
Have you ever sat there, stuck in a sick traffic jam that bores you to sleep? I go through this always.
Kampala jam does that to you after it has rained, like today. You will stay with your ass stuck there for so long you’ll grow old.
Once you step out of the taxi like this pa (this is a very Ugandan thing to say), traffic is released and you will watch people drive by while you wonder why you weren’t patient enough.
Although, this will allow you to walk to Wandegeya.16