BY MIKE MUTHAKA
#1. Shower sex isn’t really that great
Even if she slides the shower curtain and pouts her lips and begs you to join in, don’t. Run. Save your skin. Because what they don’t tell you in the movies is that girls prefer showering with scalding hot water. Also, depending on the floor surface, you have to be mindful of your sliding feet lest you fall and break your neck.
You know there’s great danger in this because your Dad’s friend broke his neck that way – that’s the kind of thought that’d force you to say, “This has never happened before.”
#2. Girls are (obviously) complicated
They disagree on almost everything. Sometimes they don’t approve of their friends’ choice of men or lipstick colour or chunk of heel. They get into strongly worded fights and they cry in the bathroom when one of their colleagues gets engaged. Hell, girls don’t even get along.
But somehow they still manage to stay close, bound by numerous unsaid codes of sisterhood. Also, they might rock up to your place – drunk out of their wits – and just as you start taking your pants off, they say they want to pee. Not the D. Sorry, bro.
#3. A sad-face emoji doesn’t work like you think
Appending a sad-face emoji when you’re breaking things off doesn’t help put her down easy. They see right through your veil of pretentiousness and they’ll hate you even more for it.
In fact that emoji will be a major talking point at lunch later that day. Your text will be read out aloud and her friends will be shocked you pulled that stunt. ‘How dare he use a sad-face emoji? The balls on him, nkt.’ They’ll feel sorry for their friend before quickly moving on to the next topic. ‘Fries, anyone?’
#4. Maybe it really smells
Maybe you’re going on a hot date tonight. Maybe you plan on taking her to a nice restaurant and you hope the night will lead back to your place for a sport of bedminton.
You’ve been hitting the gym and you’re in fairly good shape but you have abit of performance anxiety. What if you can’t get it up today? That day you even eat an avocado. You’ve heard good things about avocado.
But maybe she’s also worried about her end of the bargain. Her front end, hehee. Maybe it’s broken. Maybe it really smells.
#5. Don’t get too comfortable
So you’ve been dating this girl since campus. You met her in your second year and you hit it off like greased lightning. You patiently wait for your big break so the both of you can finally own your dream home.
Years later, you find yourself on a couch – her couch – with no job, in a house she pays for. You remain hopeful still. Meanwhile, her patience starts to run out as you ‘get your shit together’. And suddenly the idea of going back to her ex – who’s certainly doing better for himself – becomes appealing.